Getting Old

I was driving the work the other day and a thought bubbled up into my mind. "I'm getting old." I fight this thought often, but this one was persistent. It just wouldn't let go.

The new iPhone went on sale that morning and I had originally planned on purchasing it as soon as it became available. Once I was on the website, I started questioning my behavior. I thought about how much money it cost, and whether I should spend it on a phone. As I went back and forth on my decision I continued to navigate the website.

I considered the fact that my phone works fine and is in no need of replacement. My monthly bill would increase as I would be charged for 3g service. Will the phone help me get any closer to my goals, or is it just another expensive distraction? Would the purchase in fact distract me from my goals and inhibit my ability to find my new path?

I weighed these questions and my goals in life and I decided that no, I'm not old yet. With a grin on my face, I closed the web browser on my iPhone and I started to concentrate on my driving.

Single Life...

Over one year ago I had a realization. I had essentially just gone from relationship to relationship for years. I lived with a girl, and within a few weeks of moving out I had another girlfriend. I started wondering if there was something that I was missing. Some lesson that I needed to learn. In search of some further enlightenment, and a different outcome than what I had grown accustomed to, I decided not to date for a year.

The year was up in March, and my first thought is that I have become more difficult to deal with than I was before. I think that the lesson that I learned was to limit my compromises. I was a very flexible person before, and although I am still an easy going person, I don't compromise like I used to. I have really enjoyed being alone for the first time in my life. The byproduct is that I have become more self-centered and less focused on others.

Mi familia

This has truly been one of the worst weeks of my adult life. Every morning I awake to intense stomach pains. The stress has entered my sleep so that I don't even wake to feel refreshed. In the midst of all this crap I have received a blessing.

A thought appeared out of nowhere that I come from a difficult family. We are not cold, but we can definitely be cool. We are distant and fragmented. I love them all, but I'm not sure what it is that ties us together.

At first this seemed like a bad thought. I was still being negative. Then it hit me. Thinking about family opened up a memory that I thought had long been lost. Suddenly I was a child, sitting on the floor at my grandparents house. I you go to the closet there is a racetrack that you can put together for hotwheels. The carpet is very thick and full of cushion. The house is warm, and it smells of wood. It is always relaxing and dark here. My grandfather has archives of video tapes full of movies recorded from the television. There are notebooks that tell u what movies are on what tapes. Life is good.

I can't believe how happy I was then.

How is it...

That tee tee and pee pee are the same thing, but if you mix them together you get an Indian mobile home?

You know you are running late when the coffee guy has gone inside...

There is this guy that I have wanted to meet for months. The only problem is that when I see him, he's working and I don't want to distract him. That may not make much sense, but once I explain it should become clearer.

Every day on my way to work I see the same guy. He is dancing on the side of the road, and he never fails to get a smile from me. It really is the best way to start the day. In my mind this man has become the archetype of joy. Some local coffee shop pays him to stand out front and dance to the music that only he can hear, while holding their sign to promote their coffee.

Some might find this job demeaning, but he seems to have found true happiness. Even if his is fake, the effect that he has on me is real. Every morning I am blessed with happy thoughts of this "dancing fool" who doesn't seem to have a care in the world. To make the situation even better, his performance is generally the last thing I see before I'm parking and going to work. I hope that someday you all know how wonderful it is to arrive at work with a fresh reminder of how ridiculous the entire thing is every morning.

In response to his display I tend to start the day relaxed. People tell me that I am too laid back, and they ask why I never look stressed out. I owe a lot of it to this guy. The rest I owe to my ability to recognize happiness and my attempts at focusing on the positives.

Now that I think about it, I don't want to meet him after all. I'm pretty sure that a conversation could lessen the effect. Sometimes things are best left alone.

The sweet tea debate

Why should I have to order unsweetened tea? Is there any other beverage that you have to special order to get it in it's natural state? Don't most of you that enjoy sweet tea order sweet tea? The only comparison that I can come up with is ordering undecaffeineated coke. It just seems like if I order iced tea, that is what I should get. If you then ask me if I want unsweet tea and I say yes, why do you still give me sweet tea? Is this an issue with language?

Personally, I think it is because of the name. Regardless of what you say, both names have sweet in them and I'm pretty sure that is all that is remembered. I remember reading a psychology study years ago that hypothesized that people are less effective at remembering negatives than positive statements. For this reason I propose that from here on out we refer to sweet tea as sweet tea and iced tea as iced tea. Hopefully if we do that my tastebuds can stop getting a sugar shock and I can go back to tasting my tea!

The Wildfire

to the casual observer
the wildfire appeared to have consumed all
the caustic blaze set by a single spark
spread throughout the field
it grew strong, bright, and warm
at its peak it was difficult to observe
consuming all that came in its path
now the field appears barren and cold
but the trained eye sees more
it is able to see the ember still burning
white heat just beneath the surface
a strong flame waiting for the right one
to stoke the fire and give it new life
a chance to become something
new and unseen

I'm always at my best...

when I'm alone. Solitude gives my mind time to reflect. I love people, and I love their company but their moods are very contagious to me. If I'm laying around chilling with someone who isn't feeling my company, I feel it and I try to change the situation.

It's for this reason that I have become the peace keeper. I hate it when I'm surrounded by people that I perceive to be negative. It doesn't take much for me to get swept up and feel what they are feeling. This leads me to try to hard to make every moment as relaxed and stress free as possible.

To avoid swimming in a sea of negativity, I police my friendships. If someone is making me feel negative instead of positive, I spend less time around them. The funny part is that I have been called out on it before and in that moment I'm completely honest, which typically ends a friendship. Because that friend was bad for me it is not a major loss.

On the other hand, I feel that it is important to note how much my friends mean to me. I know that I can be self centered and egotistic at times. Hopefully all of you know that I can also be completely selfless and sacrifice much in other moments.

Here I sit in a chilis in huntsville tx scarfing down some food before I return to the campsite an meet a lot of sfa undergrads and all that I can think is that I am blessed. I have the best friends in the world. Even if we have lost touch, I guarantee you that you are important to me than you know.

I was just thinking of you and I wanted to tell you all that you are special.

I am rediscovering my happy place

For the last few weeks I have been out of sorts. I have been frustrated, tired, and just not myself. I wake up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, and I'm stressed out all of the time. Inwas convinced that the stress was due to work, but recent developments have made me doubt work as the source. Drifting is hard on the mind, and by working out possible plans I have combatted the fatigue associated with my lifestyle.

It has gotten so bad that today I actually felt myself turn the corner. I stepped out of the office on the way to lunch and I felt a warmth crawl through me. A smile spread across my face and I felt at peace. What has caused this change? Action. I have been worried about what-ifs and when's so much that I forgot to pay attention to the now.

Lunch wasn't perfect, but it was better than the perfect lunch I had on Tuesday, if only because I have remembered that everything comes and goes. I can still feel the tension now, but it is better knowing that it isn't going to last.

Life goals...

Today has been full of distractions. Some good, some neutral, but so far only one has stuck. I keep thinking about what I want to do while I'm here on this giant rock. Below you will find the list in no particular order...

1. Fly a plane
2. Dive the great barrier reef
3. Dive Los islotes with the hammerheads
4. Macchu picchu
5. Visit Alaska
6. Egypt
7. Edinburgh, Scotland
8. Hang gliding
9. Basejumping
10. Visit ahrensburg germany
11. Climb a mountain
12. Own a motorcycle
13. Release an album
14. Live abroad
15. Go sailing
16. Hawaii
17. Japan
18. Visit galapagos islands
19. New Zealand
20. Write a book

What am I doing?

It's almost April and I'm looking back at where I was one year ago... I was about to graduate with my masters, working on a project focused on how to make acl fest even better than it already is. I was full of piss and vinegar, and I was gonna shake things up with my new social media startup on a shoestring budget.

Fast forward one year and you get a tired, frustrated man who hates his job and feels trapped in a small town. I miss my friends, and I miss the town that had become my home.

Today a coworker asked me, "why are you here?" and I didn't have a good answer. I wanted to mention my plan to pay off my vehicle, debt, etc. but all I could get out was, "I ask myself the same question everyday."

So, here we are one year later. I feel confused, and like I'm on the wrong path. While meditating on this thought, all that I could answer was that there is no wrong path, just life lessons you don't want to learn.

All of this has led me to the next question, "what's next?". To that I don't currently have an answer, but you can be sure that it will involve beaches, ocean, and a lot of sunshine!

My thoughts on love

Love is a valuable commodity in our current state of affairs. It is choked out by our society's misguided view on individualism. Too much emphasis is placed on the individual. This creates a tit for tat situation in our daily lives which sadly spills over into our love lives. Lovers are plagued by the fear that they are losing their sense of self when they engage in common activities. One member feels the need to conquer the other. They forget that in order for growth to occur there must be change.

Some of the individual activities must be lessened in order for the collective good. Sacrifices must be made by both parties, however there cannot be a sense of score keeping. This is where love comes into play. Love leads both parties to trust each other and to focus on the common good. Love is also the key ingredient to acceptance.

Both members of the relationship are flawed. They must accept each others flaws in order for the relationship to thrive. This is absolutely necessary. Sometimes one member feels the need to see eye to eye all of the time. This is a mistake. There was a common ground that brought you together in the first place. Do not try to expand this territory and conquer what lies on the other side of the division. This only creates negative emotions and creates a division between partners.

I truly think that the most important part of any relationship is feeling accepted for who you are. This is where our sense of being loved comes from. Once this is established, it is necessary to create a nation of 2. The two of you will spend the rest of your lives sheltering and being sheltered from the storms that this life brings. Never forget that you are a team. Don't let negativity and self-doubt destroy the bond that has been forged.

Thoughts from a bar...

There's this bar in central tx. I try to keep it a secret, but I do feel compelled to share it with some. It's in a gas station between nacogdoches and austin. I have thought it was a strange place for years, and I always like to stop when I am making the drive at night. I have often fantasizes about how many people must have been just as surprised as I was to find this place by accident.

I just returned from an extended weekend in the atx and on the way back I stopped. I have almost never stopped during the day, and for this surprise visit, I was treated with a new surprise. Instead of the usual smoky cowboy crowd, the place was filled with a church crowd spending quality time before they went to their services. They looked so wholesome that I couldn't smell the familiar scent of stale smoke and spoiled beer.

Almost as strange as the bar itself, is the circumstance under which I found it. It was the summer before my freshman year in college, and I had just had my heart broken for the first time. I had visited austin for the first time, with the guy who stole the girl along for the ride.

I couldn't stop thinking about her. I cut the trip short by one night and hauled ass to east texas to win her back... successfully, I might add only to feel the pull towards other women between the first and second semester of college.

My point, yes there is a point, is that our perspective changes over time, and that I'm very glad that it does. I am now good friends with the girl in question, and I no longer feel the need to drive at ridiculous speeds just to make it to her parents house before she goes to bed. As I have matured (yes, even the little steps count!), I have tried to focus more on the moment. That crazy OMG! I can't live without her has lessened. Now, more than ever before, I am able to enjoy the company of one woman, and not think about what else is out there. I no longer worry if there is someone hotter or more fun.

Just recently, I have been lucky enough to go out with the coolest woman I have ever met. There is no what if, or if only... I would still be attracted to her if she had dreadlocks (I'm actually kinda excited at the possibility), and even when I think that there is one thing I might like to change, I am reminded that I am attracted to her just the way she is, and if she was different, I don't know what I would feel.

I love the written word

I love books. I love letters. Nothing will give me more warmth than a surprise message, whether it be on my car or however it is delivered.

I worry that an unexpected consequence of our obsession with digital media is that we are losing impact. Is an email as personal as a letter? Does a postcard make you happier than a text? For me the answer to both is yes, however in this day and age distance can cause us to rely on these faster forms of communication.

Don't get me wrong. I love getting a text that says that others are thinking of me, and I send that message to others as well.

If you are completely lost, don't worry. This post is an attempt to convince myself that maybe, just maybe my words can be conveyed in a digital format without losing their intended impact.

Living is Learning

I haven't written anything since October and today is March 1. I'm not quite sure why I quit writing, but I'm pretty sure that somewhere in the process of returning to the working world and trying to find my way back into my hometown, expression just became less important. During my commute I have a lot of great ideas, but nothing to capture them so they are lost. One of the recurring themes that have bubbled up in my brain over the last few weeks is that of experience.

When I was young, I studied people. Most of you know that I am an only child and solo kids are generally thought to be anti-social and awkward. To compensate for not having siblings, I was forced to make strong friendships. I watched people. I learned what they did that was successful and I observed their failures. Instead of creating a path, I quietly studied those around me to decide what I would like to be like.

For the longest time I was relatively convinced that I was completely insane. When I went to college, I studied Psychology. It was at this time that I decided that most college students (there are always exceptions) are attracted to fields that challenge them. If you were a psych major, you might be crazy... get it?

Anyway, this belief hasn't faded much as I have spent more time being hurdled around the sun. I wasted far too much time obsessing about my madness. I took up meditation and yoga as an attempt to slow down. After I graduated, I continued to drift accepting many completely diverse job offers, when I could, and creating a resume that looks abstract at best. When viewing my work history a skyview is essential. It is only then that you can see where the commonalities exist. It wasn't until I was thirty that I decided that everyone was crazy (not just me after all) and that it was a waste of my time to spend one more second worrying about it. So there it is... I wasted 30 years of my life worried that I was crazy.

I have since enjoyed a few more trips around the sun. I am starting to truly accept that there is nothing new, period. It may be packaged a little differently, but all of this amazing new technology is just a rearranging of old components. Here is my life as I see it. It may have taken me a while, but eventually I have learned to accept myself, faults and all. Now there is a new challenge being placed before me. Can I do more than just accept myself? How does one truly express self-love? Most of us are our own worst critics. What will it take to convince us to give ourselves a break?

The next stage of my life will be focused to moving beyond acceptance and destruction of the self. Until I feel the pull to another pursuit, I will be trying to not only accept my madness, but to embrace it. I will be me to the full extent of being me. I will refuse to accept limitations, and I will try to enjoy every last drop of life that is offered up to me. My challenge is to myself because at the end of the day you always have to sleep with that same person. My request to you is that you help keep me honest. If you catch me taking myself too seriously, help me snap out of it. This is just a ride and if you take it too seriously you'll never get out of this life alive. Hopefully, someone will read this and realize that they have spent too much time in their own comfort zone and decide to break out on their own as well. If you do, you are welcome in my little bubble of a world anytime you would like to visit.

My only regret is that I didn't capture this feeling while it was fresh. Writing it down now feels canned and predictable. When it was flowing into my head, it feld fluid and fantastic. I wish you all the best that life has to offer and I hope that you wish me the same.