What am I doing?

It's almost April and I'm looking back at where I was one year ago... I was about to graduate with my masters, working on a project focused on how to make acl fest even better than it already is. I was full of piss and vinegar, and I was gonna shake things up with my new social media startup on a shoestring budget.

Fast forward one year and you get a tired, frustrated man who hates his job and feels trapped in a small town. I miss my friends, and I miss the town that had become my home.

Today a coworker asked me, "why are you here?" and I didn't have a good answer. I wanted to mention my plan to pay off my vehicle, debt, etc. but all I could get out was, "I ask myself the same question everyday."

So, here we are one year later. I feel confused, and like I'm on the wrong path. While meditating on this thought, all that I could answer was that there is no wrong path, just life lessons you don't want to learn.

All of this has led me to the next question, "what's next?". To that I don't currently have an answer, but you can be sure that it will involve beaches, ocean, and a lot of sunshine!

My thoughts on love

Love is a valuable commodity in our current state of affairs. It is choked out by our society's misguided view on individualism. Too much emphasis is placed on the individual. This creates a tit for tat situation in our daily lives which sadly spills over into our love lives. Lovers are plagued by the fear that they are losing their sense of self when they engage in common activities. One member feels the need to conquer the other. They forget that in order for growth to occur there must be change.

Some of the individual activities must be lessened in order for the collective good. Sacrifices must be made by both parties, however there cannot be a sense of score keeping. This is where love comes into play. Love leads both parties to trust each other and to focus on the common good. Love is also the key ingredient to acceptance.

Both members of the relationship are flawed. They must accept each others flaws in order for the relationship to thrive. This is absolutely necessary. Sometimes one member feels the need to see eye to eye all of the time. This is a mistake. There was a common ground that brought you together in the first place. Do not try to expand this territory and conquer what lies on the other side of the division. This only creates negative emotions and creates a division between partners.

I truly think that the most important part of any relationship is feeling accepted for who you are. This is where our sense of being loved comes from. Once this is established, it is necessary to create a nation of 2. The two of you will spend the rest of your lives sheltering and being sheltered from the storms that this life brings. Never forget that you are a team. Don't let negativity and self-doubt destroy the bond that has been forged.

Thoughts from a bar...

There's this bar in central tx. I try to keep it a secret, but I do feel compelled to share it with some. It's in a gas station between nacogdoches and austin. I have thought it was a strange place for years, and I always like to stop when I am making the drive at night. I have often fantasizes about how many people must have been just as surprised as I was to find this place by accident.

I just returned from an extended weekend in the atx and on the way back I stopped. I have almost never stopped during the day, and for this surprise visit, I was treated with a new surprise. Instead of the usual smoky cowboy crowd, the place was filled with a church crowd spending quality time before they went to their services. They looked so wholesome that I couldn't smell the familiar scent of stale smoke and spoiled beer.

Almost as strange as the bar itself, is the circumstance under which I found it. It was the summer before my freshman year in college, and I had just had my heart broken for the first time. I had visited austin for the first time, with the guy who stole the girl along for the ride.

I couldn't stop thinking about her. I cut the trip short by one night and hauled ass to east texas to win her back... successfully, I might add only to feel the pull towards other women between the first and second semester of college.

My point, yes there is a point, is that our perspective changes over time, and that I'm very glad that it does. I am now good friends with the girl in question, and I no longer feel the need to drive at ridiculous speeds just to make it to her parents house before she goes to bed. As I have matured (yes, even the little steps count!), I have tried to focus more on the moment. That crazy OMG! I can't live without her has lessened. Now, more than ever before, I am able to enjoy the company of one woman, and not think about what else is out there. I no longer worry if there is someone hotter or more fun.

Just recently, I have been lucky enough to go out with the coolest woman I have ever met. There is no what if, or if only... I would still be attracted to her if she had dreadlocks (I'm actually kinda excited at the possibility), and even when I think that there is one thing I might like to change, I am reminded that I am attracted to her just the way she is, and if she was different, I don't know what I would feel.

I love the written word

I love books. I love letters. Nothing will give me more warmth than a surprise message, whether it be on my car or however it is delivered.

I worry that an unexpected consequence of our obsession with digital media is that we are losing impact. Is an email as personal as a letter? Does a postcard make you happier than a text? For me the answer to both is yes, however in this day and age distance can cause us to rely on these faster forms of communication.

Don't get me wrong. I love getting a text that says that others are thinking of me, and I send that message to others as well.

If you are completely lost, don't worry. This post is an attempt to convince myself that maybe, just maybe my words can be conveyed in a digital format without losing their intended impact.

Living is Learning

I haven't written anything since October and today is March 1. I'm not quite sure why I quit writing, but I'm pretty sure that somewhere in the process of returning to the working world and trying to find my way back into my hometown, expression just became less important. During my commute I have a lot of great ideas, but nothing to capture them so they are lost. One of the recurring themes that have bubbled up in my brain over the last few weeks is that of experience.

When I was young, I studied people. Most of you know that I am an only child and solo kids are generally thought to be anti-social and awkward. To compensate for not having siblings, I was forced to make strong friendships. I watched people. I learned what they did that was successful and I observed their failures. Instead of creating a path, I quietly studied those around me to decide what I would like to be like.

For the longest time I was relatively convinced that I was completely insane. When I went to college, I studied Psychology. It was at this time that I decided that most college students (there are always exceptions) are attracted to fields that challenge them. If you were a psych major, you might be crazy... get it?

Anyway, this belief hasn't faded much as I have spent more time being hurdled around the sun. I wasted far too much time obsessing about my madness. I took up meditation and yoga as an attempt to slow down. After I graduated, I continued to drift accepting many completely diverse job offers, when I could, and creating a resume that looks abstract at best. When viewing my work history a skyview is essential. It is only then that you can see where the commonalities exist. It wasn't until I was thirty that I decided that everyone was crazy (not just me after all) and that it was a waste of my time to spend one more second worrying about it. So there it is... I wasted 30 years of my life worried that I was crazy.

I have since enjoyed a few more trips around the sun. I am starting to truly accept that there is nothing new, period. It may be packaged a little differently, but all of this amazing new technology is just a rearranging of old components. Here is my life as I see it. It may have taken me a while, but eventually I have learned to accept myself, faults and all. Now there is a new challenge being placed before me. Can I do more than just accept myself? How does one truly express self-love? Most of us are our own worst critics. What will it take to convince us to give ourselves a break?

The next stage of my life will be focused to moving beyond acceptance and destruction of the self. Until I feel the pull to another pursuit, I will be trying to not only accept my madness, but to embrace it. I will be me to the full extent of being me. I will refuse to accept limitations, and I will try to enjoy every last drop of life that is offered up to me. My challenge is to myself because at the end of the day you always have to sleep with that same person. My request to you is that you help keep me honest. If you catch me taking myself too seriously, help me snap out of it. This is just a ride and if you take it too seriously you'll never get out of this life alive. Hopefully, someone will read this and realize that they have spent too much time in their own comfort zone and decide to break out on their own as well. If you do, you are welcome in my little bubble of a world anytime you would like to visit.

My only regret is that I didn't capture this feeling while it was fresh. Writing it down now feels canned and predictable. When it was flowing into my head, it feld fluid and fantastic. I wish you all the best that life has to offer and I hope that you wish me the same.