Have you ever had a crik in your neck?

Last week I had a job interview. Much to the dismay of my friends it was not in Austin. The day of the interview I awoke to find that my neck, shoulders and back were killing me. I took those worthless OTC pain killers but they did nothing to lessen the pain. As the interview time grew closer and the pain worse, I started to consider taking a muscle relaxer. I was pondering this aloud and my father was in earshot. I was wondering how dopey and sluggish a flexeril would make me when he suggested a completely different direction.

We were bloth on the back porch at the time because my parents are having renovations done to their house. The big problem with renovating your house, beyond the monetary discomfort, is that you go for periods of time where you are essentially banished from your own house. My parents have two dogs that I jokingly refer to as my younger siblings, and their presence seals the deal when the question of banishment comes up.

Anyway, on this particular afternoon, my father went back inside the house and he returned with a bottle of something. The next words out of his mough were, "Where does it hurt?". After I explained the source of the pain to him he told me to lift up my shirt.

For those of you who don't know my father, he is a funny guy. He gets these strange ideas in his head and he tends to always go overboard when it comes to pain relief. He once suggested that I get some sort of gel to put into my sinus cavity to knock out a sinus infection that I had. I mentioned it to the doctor and he looked at me like I was crazy. He explained that although the medication would work for that treatment that it was a very strong drug and that it should never be used for that purpose. Now that you have the idea as to what his cures are like I will continue and you will understand why I had a twinge of anxiety as he told me to lift my shirt.

With my back exposed and me leaning over my father started to spray something on my back. At first it felt cold, but that sensation didn't last for long. Quickly I started to feel a prickly sensation and a very strong smell hit my nostrils. It was a medicinal smell not unlike menthol on steriods. As the pins and needles continued he started to explain that this was a local analgesic that is used to cure muscle and joint pains. He continued to tell me that it would be fast working and that it should penetrate and ease the pain in a matter of minutes. All that I am thinking at this point is that I have an interview with an HR person followed by a panel interview in less that two hours and I smell absolutely horrible. I start to hope that perhaps the smell will dissipate as the spray evaporates.

Minutes pass and I am still stuck in this same train of thought. I have already considered what my opening line to the interviewers would be. I decided that I would break the ice by telling a condensed version of this story. I would start by asking if they have ever woke up to find that their neck was sore and had it get progressively worse throughout the day. This seemed like a good way to break the ice and I knew that I could easily turn the awkward smell into a funny situation putting everyone at ease.

My back is still wet. Ten minutes have passed and I can still smell the scent as if it was being sprayed on my back right now. The shirt is no longer raised to a ring around my neck. It has now been completely removed because I realized it is the only clean undershirt that I have. It is at this point that my dad decides to break the silence by telling me what this spray is really for. I should have known that this moment was coming. He tells me that yes, it is for muscle and joint pain but that it is usually used on horses. I couldn't make this up if I tried. He goes on to tell me that there is another version that is used on bulls but that he was unable to find that one. By now the pins and needles have progressed into a slow burn that makes my back feel like it is radiating heat.

I start to wonder if I am having some sort of allergic reaction to the spray. Am I going to have to explain a smell and a rash? Who knows? Should I go inside and get a towel right now to get it off? Survey says, yes. After wiping this horse tranquilizer off my back I start to sniff myself and question whether I should take a quick shower with my remaining time. The smell is still there (not as strong) and I consider that under my layers of clothing it will be acceptable, or hopefully completely unnoticed.

As a final test, I sniffed my shoulder through my suit jacket and I couldn't smell anything. The crisis was averted and I didn't need to joke about my scent in the interview. I have learned my lesson, next time I will be taking the pills, and I should never accept anything from my father without a complete informational interview including whether or not the intended patient should have fur or not.